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Sunday, April 17, 2005
Remnants
There I was, in the bath reading a very, very good book when I noticed I was humming a song. I had to sing the words a bit before I realized that it was my wedding song.

I won't bore you with the actual lyrics, but just know that it was Celine Dion and it was as wistful and hopeful as a doomed-wedding-song should be.

I remembered, with a sort of regret, the day I picked it for my wedding. It was only a few days before the actual day of committment (and I mean that in both a marriage and white coat sort of way). I was a few months pregnant and driving to a greenhouse so I could pick out some Ivy for the ceremony.

(As an aside, I had this idea that the ivy would live long and prosper, and that as we moved to a new house I would replant the ivy, taking a bit of it everywhere we went, so that at the age of 80, I would still have a part of the ivy plant that was present at my wedding. The ivy was dead within six weeks.)

I was listening to every romantic song I could think of. The front of my pick up was littered with cd cases. I was hormonal and weepy. And scared.

I chose the song because it was everything that I wanted my marriage to be. The only problem was that it spoke about what a couple had - not what they were trying to achieve. It was all You Give Me Strength when in reality it was "I can be strong enough for us both". It was You Were My Voice When I Couldn't Speak when actually it was "you made me feel fat when I was pregnant". It was I'll Be Forever Thankful when it really was "let's write this down into the custody agreement".

Not that I'm 100% regretful. I have my son. I have lessons... boy oh boy do I have lessons. I've taken them all to heart and made them my very own lessons. Learned by rote in the school of hard knocks.

I'm just trying not to take it out on Celine.
  The Writing Mother
  posted at 10:16 PM
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