I had a depressing night tonight.

My son (4.5 yrs) was mad at me. We had gone out for burgers and half way through he began to wig out. I would have sworn it was a sugar high, but he hadn't eaten any sugar. I gave him the "I'm going to count to three and if you are not sitting down and behaving, you are going to go sit in the truck." (The secret being that we actually would go sit in the truck and go home.)

I was getting a bit frustrated and in turn, he was getting frustrated. His tactic was to tell me that he wanted to go to daddy's right now. He wanted to go and didn't want to come back. He wanted to take all of his toys and go to daddy's. This went on for half an hour and by the time he was in bed (crying because he was in bed) it had turned into his little mantra. And it was getting to me.

I laid down with him to sing him his songs and he wanted none of it, just wanted to go to daddy's. I didn't know what to do or say. I don't kno wif my tactics were the right ones, but I told him that when he says that it makes me sad - sad that he wants to go away and not come back. I asked him why. He said he wanted to go and play with his toys there. I reminded him that he goes to his daddy's every Friday night, but he wanted to go tonight.

I admit, I was upset. You know, the jiggly chin and teary eyes. I tried not to, but here I was, pregnant and stuck up on the top bunk ... it wasn't like I could get away. I didn't want to cry in front of him, but I did.

I knew how he'd react and sure enough, he started crying. It really upset him to see me upset and he started saying, "but I will come back, mommy. I said I would come back, I will come back mommy."

So I just hugged him and said I knew that and that I loved him and that it was ok and mommy was ok. I laid with him for another half hour and told him a couple of stories that made him smile and rubbed his back and hugged him. When it was time for me to climb clumsily out of the bed, he was yawning and drifting off. But he seemed back to his normal self.

I'm just not sure that I am.

How can I compete with his weekend home (friday night to saturday afternoon at daddy's) where there's a brand new game or movie or toy just about every weekend? And then usually my mom wants him for Saturday night... so I don't usually see him from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. I miss him when he's not here. I try to look at it in a positive light... look at the time I get to write and go places on my own.

But I can write when he's here. And I don't want to go places on my own.

I don't want to get dragged into a materialistic fight. Whose house had the better toys. Whose house has more candy. Whose house has fewer rules. Because in the end, he will lose.

I just hope that I can last until he realizes that.