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The Writing Mother

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Sunday, October 01, 2006
You asked... I answer.
My buddy Muttering in Manitoba asked a few weeks ago, "why did you marry your first husband?"

I admit, I didn't want to answer it, I didn't want to devote any time thinking about it. I didn't want to type it out. But whenever I'd think about blogging it was like I'd left something undone. Something unanswered. And since I had actually discussed this with Major Man before we got married, I figured I could spill it out here in The Internets.

I met my first husband in high school and I did not particularly like him at that time. He was a skater punk. I was a horse girl.

When I re-met him four years later, he was a bull rider. I was still a horse girl. There were no skater punk tendancies that I could see.

I knew he smoked pot once in a while, but hey, so did my dad... no big deal. I certainly didn't and wouldn't. He liked to be taken care of, I liked to take care of him.

Somewhere along the way I figured I loved him because I felt as though I needed him. remember that song "I Need You"? That's what I thought love was. When you can't possibly live without someone, when you feel drawn to them becuase they need you and you need whatever it is you are getting from them.

We said we loved each other all the time.

I'll skip all the parts about the stress that a baby can cause and what happens when people are unable to deal with that stress in a healthy manner.

I married my first husband because I was 23 and I had no idea that to really love someone you have to love yourself without them first. You have to know who you are and what you can and cannot do. You need to know what your 'dealbreakers' are, to borrow a Dr. Phil term. You need to know that there is a huge difference between needing someone and loving them.

None of that applied to me.

Now it does. Unfortunately for my first marriage, it was not strong enough to survive the learning of these lessons. The love was simply not there.

I believe I learned the lessons. I believe that there were two factors - my divorce and the birth of my son - that caused me to finally know who I was, what I stood for and what I believed in.

Both involved immense pain.

I'm thankful for both.
  The Writing Mother
  posted at 3:53 PM

At 6:03 PM, Anonymous Kira said...

Beautifully said.

At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Shelley said...

Sounds like you've grown a lot - good on ya!

At 4:02 AM, Anonymous jessie said...

I didn't marry my "first husband." He was the boyfriend I was with during and after college and fortunately I saw things weren't going to work before he got the nerve to propose. Later, after I married my first (and only) husband, my mother said, "You would have married the first one if he'd asked." What a scary thought.

It's because when your 22 or 23 and everyone is thinking about getting married, and you're with someone deeply enough that you don't want to break up, what else are you supposed to do? Just hang around forever knowing that this isn't The One? No. You get married because what if nothing better ever comes along?

I'm glad I was able to bypass the first marriage. But not everyone can. Congratulations to you on your happiness!


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