About Me
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The cylce ends here.
There's an unwritten feud in my family (until now, she wrote). An electric undercurrent that connects the women in this family. There's Cousin, whose arrival to young parents and the move in with the grandparents firmly upset her Aunt's position as 'the baby'.
There's me, the black sheep who takes after her late Grandfather. There's my mother and her mother, I don't fully understand that dynamic. There's plenty of drama between the aunts and the sisters. It's never really bothered me. I figured I was just different. I knew that Grandma favored my cousin, after all, she'd helped raise her and they lived next door to each other for almost 20 years.
I was always envious because I missed the small town that I knew only from summer vacations. I was moved around from town to town or house to house between divorced parents. My cousin was ensconsced in a sweet and loving life, with a huge house and plenty of room to rome. I lived in a trailer park. Or had to endure the parental fights. But I got over it, pretty much, I didn't think it was really my fault that Gramma preferred her.
But now it's different. Now it's my kids. I have two, a boy who is five and a girl who is 4 months. My cousin has a boy who is 1 year old. Grandma went into the hospital on Christmas night. We visited her the next day.
She talked about her kids and how good they are to her and then mentioned my cousin. "She's so good to me. And that boy of hers, he just has my heart."
There was a silence in the room as I sat there with my daughter on my lap and my son sitting on the hospital bed playing quietly (a Christmas miracle).
It was like the closing of a book, a deep thud and a puff of dust. I resigned myself. I know now that nothing I can do will ever afford me a place of honour in her eyes. I'm always the other grand-daughter. My kids will always be the other great-grand-children.
My aunt (the displaced baby) still carries the burden now that she has a son as well, referring to my cousin's son as 'the golden child'. And it's true. I shall continue to bring my children to her, continue to hope that they find favour and vow that this cycle ends with my children.
There's me, the black sheep who takes after her late Grandfather. There's my mother and her mother, I don't fully understand that dynamic. There's plenty of drama between the aunts and the sisters. It's never really bothered me. I figured I was just different. I knew that Grandma favored my cousin, after all, she'd helped raise her and they lived next door to each other for almost 20 years.
I was always envious because I missed the small town that I knew only from summer vacations. I was moved around from town to town or house to house between divorced parents. My cousin was ensconsced in a sweet and loving life, with a huge house and plenty of room to rome. I lived in a trailer park. Or had to endure the parental fights. But I got over it, pretty much, I didn't think it was really my fault that Gramma preferred her.
But now it's different. Now it's my kids. I have two, a boy who is five and a girl who is 4 months. My cousin has a boy who is 1 year old. Grandma went into the hospital on Christmas night. We visited her the next day.
She talked about her kids and how good they are to her and then mentioned my cousin. "She's so good to me. And that boy of hers, he just has my heart."
There was a silence in the room as I sat there with my daughter on my lap and my son sitting on the hospital bed playing quietly (a Christmas miracle).
It was like the closing of a book, a deep thud and a puff of dust. I resigned myself. I know now that nothing I can do will ever afford me a place of honour in her eyes. I'm always the other grand-daughter. My kids will always be the other great-grand-children.
My aunt (the displaced baby) still carries the burden now that she has a son as well, referring to my cousin's son as 'the golden child'. And it's true. I shall continue to bring my children to her, continue to hope that they find favour and vow that this cycle ends with my children.
2 Comments:
As the "other" one, I can relate and hope you can find peace with your situation. In my experience, it's always best to keep on doing what you've always done - be the more mature one and let the chips fall where they may.
Just found your blog - I'm really enjoying it!
I was the long distance grandchild too. I was often envious of my cousin and the time he had with my grandparents. Now, my other grandpa has remarried and lives close to her children. I am so envious of the time they spend on their great grandchildren. I wish I could have that luxury for my future children. He is part of their lives and mine to, but not as much. I have to just focus on what I do have and try not to compare.
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