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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
The Inevitable
Kira posted a wonderful post (what else would you do with a post?) on the father of her boys - or rather how to talk to her boys about their father, seeing as he's not in the picture much. It brought tears to my eyes because the conversation she had with one of her sons is one I dread. I don't think that I am strong enough or brave enough to tell my son the truth.

I guess I am lucky, my son's dad is around, he sees him every weekend. But here's the thing. His dad is a drug addict. Some may disagree, some may say he just uses drugs... or it's just casual. And quite frankly, you can kiss my ass. He's an addict. He could not stop if he tried. The fact that he does not WANT to stop does not factor in. The fact of the matter is, during our very last married person fight I gave him an ultimatum: Us or Drugs. He chose drugs. Plain and simple.

I admit that I often wonder when he will hit bottom. When it will get him. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him dead, I don't want to have to attend his funeral - but he has done some pretty hard core drugs. The ones that when you research them, list 'sudden death' as a SYMPTOM of their use. In fact that drug, Crack, is so addictive that NO ONE can do it just once or twice and then say "eh, I'm done with that"... I don't care how strong you are.

When my son asks me about why his dad and I divorced, what am I supposed to tell him? His dad is around, his dad is in his life... but I can't explain why we are not together as simply. I can't explain it without painting his dad out to be a bad guy. At least I don't know how yet.

Right now I have someone in my life who is an amazing person. He's truly the ying to my yang and the sugar in my coffee. I don't know that I've had any specific concerns about him in a parental role... it's more that I have concerns about anyone other than me in a parental role. I've never co-parented really, I've never allowed anyone to share that task in my house. So far we're doing very well. My son is enthralled with this person, and this person has done a good job of just being there. We're taking it a day at a time I guess.

Anyways, this was about something else, I digress.

I fought hard for my marriage. I fought tooth and nail to bring it back to life. I was never that optimistic, because I was ceratin I knew that the addiction was right down deep in the marrow. But there was no way in hell that I was going to look back in 10 years to say that I hadn't tried. And I tried.

But, the past is the past and for that I'm very glad.

There are just some inevitable conversations that I'm not looking forward to when the time comes. Perhaps it is because of my own parent's marriage that I worry about these conversations. Neither of them did the greatest job at keeping adult problems to the adults - it always spilled over to the kids.

I've promised my son that I will allow him to have normal kid problems and not deal with the adult issues until he's... well... and adult. But these kids, they know so much more than we know, don't they.
  The Writing Mother
  posted at 6:43 AM

At 9:51 PM, Anonymous K~ said...

~deep heart wrenching sigh~ oh how I can relate to this post. They know so much more than you want them too.


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