Dammit. I did it. Why do I do this?

Ok, I did it. I signed up. Happy? If you're looking for me on the NaNo boards, I'm write_on_mama. In previous years I've been writeonmama... but some sneaky person stole my name. That's what I get for procrastinating!

Do I have a plot? No. Do I have characters? No. Will I be finding some soon? Here's hoping.

I don't want to write a romance novel, not that I don't enjoy me a good Shirley Jump novel, but I don't want to write one at this time. Unfortunately, because I AM in love, I'll probably write lovey-dovey drivel and make myself gag.

My boyfriend will be here in 20 sleeps. Do you know how hard it is to wait 20 sleeps?

Do you think my desire to make the next 21 days go by fast is to sign up for NaNo? I think so. In fact, I know so. Of course he believes I can be the next J. K. Rowling. He wants to read what I write... and I've told him that there is no way he is going to get to read the NaNo crap I'm going to write. He'd better get used to the dry nonfiction I write on a daily basis.

Ok. I'm irritated. I'm trying to watch the Purdue game, but since we don't get it up here in Canada, I'm on ESPN's site, trying to watch the Game Cast. Except the Game Cast is not working!! Guess I'm going to have to go actually watch the TV and wait for the scores to flash across the screen.

Hmmmm... Whatever.... Hmmmmm

Is this what a funk is like? I can't remember. I wish I could identify the emotions in my head right now. I know I said I wouldn't blog about the BF, but could we just be together right now? That would solve the majority of my/our problems.

By the time I got home today, I had the stress toothache and everything.

I must have the strangest body. I get two toothaches, one top, one bottom... and only if I am stressed. I have yet to catch myself clenching my teeth or doing anything to make my teeth hurt. But if I'm stressed... there it is. I actually rushed to the dentist once because I couldn't stand the pain anymore... and there's no cavity there. So it's some of Katie's American-Made Excedrin, or a Tylenol with Codeine for me!

I opted for a Codiene.

And I had a beer.

Ok.

Two.

I all better now.

Except that rather than nervous energy that makes me pace my house, make too much dinner, and do extra loads of laundry. I am fighting the desire to crawl under my covers with a third beer and make all the bad thoughts go away.

Maybe tequila.

No, it's Friday tomorrow. The week is almost over, I can make it.

Work has been busy, this is a good thing. It keeps me pretty much occupied for the whole day. In fact, today I didn't take a lunch, so I left a bit early. Still not a good choice because it gave me more time to pace.

The worst.. the absolute worst... is that I can't pinpoint the source of my stress. Too many things are coming at me. Long distance relationship, numbers down at work, normal single mom things, trying to plan without knowing the plan, pending vacations, articles that are screaming to be written.....

I need a massage. I need to get drunk. I need (another) holiday! I need (more) sex.

Ok, that one crossed a line.

My bad.

I need to go watch CSI and forget that I'm stressed.

WHY??

... do I feel this incredible urge to sign up for NaNoWriMo when I know DAMN well that I won't finish what I start??

She's... Awesome!

I need to send some cyber-applause out to one of my favourite bloggers. Kira rocks. I read Kiwords every morning, and I'm telling you, girl... if you don't write a book.... I'm gonna hunt ya down!

I chuckle-choked on my coffee this morning while I read her blog entry on things that seem safe, but aren't....

Had to do it....

Today at lunch, a certain individual (that some of you might know) took a bite of his sandwich and began talking to me. Mouth completely full of his food. Talking right through it. I couldn't take it any longer. "I'm sorry, I can't understand you," I said to him, "all I can hear is your freaking food!" And I walked away.

What is with people?? Have they completely forgotten common manners?? That is elementary manners... we're not talking the high level crap like which fork to use for your escargot... we're talking, try not to spit your half-masticated chow on your conversation partner. Honestly people.

A note for those that do not know....

I miss my boyfriend. Really. Badly. 29 sleeps until I see him again. But he left his shirt here... so I can sit here like a capital-L-Loser and smell it, if I feel so inclined. Which I do.

What is this? A second puberty? Honestly.

My Bad.

I've really been busy, ok? Like, I mean, really busy, so, like... I'm sorry already.

Uh-huh.

I have tried to find time to blog, but boy.. life piles up on you some days and you wonder if you'll ever crawl out from under deadlines and family crisis and impending plans.

You know the person I went to visit in Indiana.

He'll be here in four sleeps. Yep. He's coming here. I'm very excited.

I can hardly breathe actually. Time is moving so much slower now than it ever has, this is why I'm going to work this morning even though it is a holiday here in Canada (Thanksgiving). Because I can't have a day of leisure, it would take to long, and I have plenty at work to keep me busy.

I lay awake last night thinking about what I'm thankful for....

1. Friends who trust me to make well-thought out decisions, and who know my heart and its weaknesses.
2. Family who know when I'm serious and when I'm not. My mother, who knows exactly how stubborn I am and knows me better than anyone else, not that I'm ready to admit that to her.
3. My son, who has singlehandedly created the ME that I am - and who loves me so purely that I am humbled.
4. my mistakes, which have taught me what love really is and what it is not, the wounds that have healed over to make me tougher, the wounds that have left me more sensitive, and the parts of me that I've been smart enough to protect.
5. Donnie - the young life who taught me exactly how precious life is - you were not my child, but you taught me how to be a better mother.

I just get so overwhelmed some days, thinking about the blessings in my life, the intangible ways that I've been gifted. Some I can tell you about, some I cannot. But I believe in looking for those gifts, I believe that there is something good in everything - but sometimes we need to make it good. I've gone through divorce, death of loved ones, abuse in many forms, depression, and dark days. But I think when we choose to be thankful for our past, we create an appreciation for who we are today.

Anyways, I have to get to work...