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This Big.Fulfiling.Life thing is really good.

Right after my divorce I tried to fill the Big.Gaping.Hole where my heart once lived with the busy-ness of life. I soon realized that as my heart returned to its normal size, I didn't have time for the popcorn tasks I'd set for myself. I gradually let go of a few things - one bit at a time. Until I felt like I was balanced again.

I had enough time to enjoy my son, to get to work (relatively) on time, to write, to dream, and to take the odd sweet-smelling bath in the twilight that only single moms can enjoy, when the child has gone to bed, the house is silent (except for the automatic ice dispenser cracking out ice), and it's just you sweating in a too-hot bath.

Gradually life has picked up some momentum. I am getting more writing assignments, I'm moving, my bf is visiting for another four weeks... my life is crammed full again.

But this time it's not just useless popcorn filling... it's all rich and sweet and wonderful. Somedays I find myself smiling and I can't decide what I'm smiling about. Is it my son and his new haircut? Is it about the new thing I learned about the bf today? Is it the chocolates he brought me when he picked me up? Or the fact that he washed my car? Is it my renewed love of cooking from scratch?

I don't know, I do know that I'm busy and I love it. So I'm sorry I have to carve this blogging time out of the end of my work day, but I do. I just have such little time to blog... but on the plus side, I'm learning a lot about how much I love my Big.Fulfilling.Life.

Anyone seen the middle?

My friend of friend C~ blogged recently about finding the middle. The middle - where you can view life from both sides and not shoot off in one direction or the other without first undertaking some serious contemplation... do I have this right?

Personally I think that I sway from middle to one extreme, to the other extreme, back to the middle.... without ever crossing an extreme line. At least I haven't crossed any extreme lines lately.

This weekend I had a memory from early 1996, I had two choices before me: Join the army, or go work in Austria. I had applied for a program in the army and was waiting for the recruiter to phone me back and I'd also applied for a job as an assistant trainer at a ranch in Austria. I couldn't make up my mind which road to take... so I decided that whoever called me back first would get dibs.

The Austrian called back first. An hour later the recruiter called.

I was an hour away from a very different life. I'm so glad that I went down this path. Sure there were bumps in the road, but if you expect life to be bump-free... you're really in for some serious problems.

Such Relief!

You know the decisions that you make in your life, the ones that briefly stress you the heck out, and then suddenly you realize that the decision is SO right for YOU, that by not making the decision you are doing yourself a disservice?

Do you know those decisions?

I just made one. Well, actually I made the decision on Wednesday. After a discussion with my son's doctor.

Short story: We live on a farm, the allergens make him sick - he coughs at night sometimes until he throws up, he has to be on two inhalers to keep him NOT coughing, and even then he still coughs.

I'd been hoping that it wasn't where we lived, because I like it out here in the open in my little mobile home with my million dollar view of the rocky mountains and the good people and the low payments. In fact, I've been ignoring it a bit too long, chalking it up to a cold.

By the third ER visit in 8 weeks I had to face facts. So this Wednesday I decided to move. I've looked at a few apartments and though I haven't put a deposit on one yet, I will likely do so on Monday. But for three days I've been this ill-feeling bundle of stress because I didn't want to disappoint some people by moving, there are extenuating circumstances that I'd been fairly unaware of, and at the same time I was making my decision, I was becoming more aware of them.

So today I let everyone know I was moving - well, everyone who had to know I guess. The landlord, the person I was buying my home from, the new property owners... yadda yadda....

Such a weight off of my mind. Because in letting them know, in telling them why, I realized that yes, this is the right decision for me and my son. What mother in her right mind would choose to stay in a place that makes her son sick because she "doesn't want to disappoint" someone? Who would do that??

My responsibility in life is to give my son a good life, to make healthy choices for him, and to look out for him. I am doing that.

And for the first time in a long time I'm 110% sure of my decision.

Argh! Ack! Grrr!

Wow, I'm just a mother on the edge these days! I spent all day going from one frustration to the next. What is up with me?

It feels like I'm watching a Tsunami bear down on my and I'm scrambling like a little mouse trying to get away. Work. Writing. Impending-visit-from-wonderful-boyfriend. Moving. All things that are not bad, and I enjoy unto themselves (especially the boyfriend one.... hubba hubba) but all together... just emotional overload.

I want to hide under the covers until Saturday night when I go pick the bf up at the airport. But the rest of the things would still be there... ingoring them will not help the situation. Such is life.

I'm just learning to operate at a higher frequency, that's all.

Heather Makes a Mistake... or Toys Not to Buy Your Child if You Want Him to Stay the Sweet Little Boy He Is.

My intentions were good. Honestly they were. M., being three and three months, has a G.I. Joe thing going on right now. He likes planes and big trucks, army guys and flags. No biggie. So as a present for being a good boy at the dentist today for his first check up, we stopped at the Dollar Store for some cheap-o toys. He picked out a few little things... some army men, a tank, a helicopter, a plane, a boat. A regular ol' Canadian Army for $7.00. (Well, it would be just like the Canadian army, except I think we have more tanks than they do now)

(Side note: We Canadians sent some of our military over to help out the US in the middle east, but after the exchange rate all they got was a canoe with a mountie and a dog sled... har har.)

So in my living room now we have all arms of the military covered, we have the navy (currently resting at harbour in the bathtub), the army, and the air force. And along with them came a dozen or so army dudes.

I envisioned me showing my son all about how the army guys protect the good people from the bad people, how they helped stop fights and protected Winnie the Pooh and Tigger - who had been drafted as innocent civilians.

What did I get?

I have the freaking Washington sniper in my living room, running around and shooting anything that looks like it might move. The fan is particularly offensive since he runs and falls down and then shoots into the air at it. A regular commando here.

Where did he learn this? I've never even used the word gun (as evidenced by the fact that he's "shooting with his shooter") let alone kept anything in this house that might resemble a toy gun.

I blame day care. He has to learn it there. Could be at his dad's house, though not likely. But if it's day care, then some parent has taught his or her child what a gun is, and that child has taught my innocent wee boy. "What are you pretending to be?" I asked. "I beein' a MAN" he said. Unh-huh.

Excuse me, I need to go put the Executioner to bed before he invades another country and pillages some villages.

Although... he is convinced that G.I. Joe, being the man that he is, does not pee his bed... I could work that angle at least.

If your tolerance for whining is low... do not read further....

First of all let me say, I have very little to whine about.

The love of my life will be here a week tomorrow for FIVE weeks. My son is the greatest child who says he loves me every night. And not just because I say it. He says it first, usually a long drawn out sigh followed by "I luv yew mommy," as he snuggles in closer. Because I snuggle with him each night. "Kin you hug me?" he says, and I obligingly lie down and cuddle for a few minutes, always guiltily slinking off after a few minutes because I know if I stay longer I'll fall asleep.

But I need to whine for a moment because I'm not a prolific writer, nor am I jaw-droppingly-superior, nor do I seem to have the energy for the effort. But lately I have gone beyond apathy and moved into the land of not caring. It's not that I think I'm a horrible writer, I mean, I've managed to write a couple columns a month for over two years, and my editors like me - and tell me they like me... but ... oh I just don't know!!

It starts when I read all of these fabulous blogs: Kira, Joshilyn, Lemonade Life, Shelley, Linda, Lani & Co, oh I could go on and on.... I mean the things these women write ... from sweet little vingettes to moving essays, from political commentary to coffee spewing hilarity... there's always a bit of everything.. and it's all so good. They are writers. They are also thinkers. And they have motivation I am lacking. And they have discipline. And I just do not.

I've signed up for NaNoWriMo, and it's just not going well. There have been some very real things that have impeded my journey... like spending 6 hours at the Children's Hospital with my son last night as he had a low grade asthma attack. Yep. Low grade. Apparently that cough that has lasted six weeks was a sign. A sign that I'm first in line for that Horrible Mother of the Year award. To defend myself, it only turned asthma-ish the day before yesterday... but I swear the doctor had this look in her eye.. the look that says, "if parenting required a license, I'd revoke yours".

I just have a lack of passion in the writing field at the moment. So there's a lot of passion that is focused somewhere else... ahem.. but what is with the writers block? Or writer's apathy, or writers boredom....

I think I have an idea... no one to write with. Nobody. No buddy. No one cheering me on. (I told you this would get whiny) But I'm an externally motivated person, that's just the way I am, I can't change it. The bf, now he's all about internal motivation and the rest of the world can suck a lemon, but me? I'm needing something from the world.

There have just been so many personal highs and lows in the last few months that I'm not sure what level I'm at. I need something. I am just not able to identify it.